What do Alfred Adler and Taylor Swift have in common?
Shockingly, in this case, the answer might be…. relational wisdom?
Adler, describing the psychotherapy relationship says, “A tactless truth can never be the whole truth; it shows that our understanding was not sufficient.”
And Swift, describing one of many terrible breakups calls her lover’s communications “casually cruel in the name of being honest.”
I think – and this might be controversial, though I wish it wouldn’t be – that the culture has a thought brewing that authenticity means doing exactly what you want and saying exactly what you think without regard for the audience. But, you know what? It doesn’t really work.
The clearest, most honest communication you can make with yourself still has to cross at least 2 barriers – the experience, history, filters, schemas, current nervous system functioning, etc. of the listener and everything that fills the space between you and the listener, which might contain the larger culture, personal history between you, effects of the time and location, and more. Without considering those factors, your ultra clear and honest communication is going to get all distorted. You can communicate MORE truth by taking the other person and the situation into account than by tapping into this new (problematic) kind of “authenticity.”
Comments below: What do you think? Do you see this in therapy, especially with couples? But also in your communications with clients? Or not? If this feels controversial to you, talk about that, too!