Why do we yell? (Just a theory!)
Specifically, this idea came to me during some couples’ work. Why do people yell at each other (and this probably goes for parents/kids, too…)
Here’s a theory I have.
Animals vocalize in lots of ways. But when do they “raise their voices”? What does the animal research say about this? (e.g., Seyfarth & Cheney, 2003) First, there are two issues here with my reading of the literature – one is that I’m not super familiar with the comparative (i.e., animal) psyc research and the other is that animal research is always observational and about making inferences – can’t ask them any questions! Just bear that in mind. But from what I can glean, animals probably get loud in three circumstances/for three reasons:
- To demonstrate aggression, especially when they feel underpowered (i.e., actual predators who are about to eat prey are sneaky and quiet, but an animal that is afraid it’s about to get killed or eaten may get loud to try to discourage a predator)
- To sound an alarm, either to warn others of their kind that there is a danger approaching or to call for assistance
- As part of display meant to push another animal of its kind down the social hierarchy, in a competitive way
So, whether or not this is precisely accurate, it has been an interesting topic of conversation with my couples. I explain this idea and then make it a little human…
“Is it possible that when people raise their voices, it’s because they’re feeling underpowered and they need a show a vocal strength because their argument isn’t strong enough on it’s merit? Might they get loud because they feel like they’re in danger and actually crying for help from their partners? Or sometimes maybe they just want to diminish their partner – try to shut them down by proving they’re more important, stronger, or otherwise farther up in the hierarchy?”
Then, after there is some buy-in, I bring it to the personal/situational level: “So when you raised your voice just now (or last night, etc.), which of those reasons resonates most with your experience?”
- Sometimes they reluctantly identify that they lost their cool because they could tell they were losing the argument. That can open the door for looking at the merits of both positions in the less-intense therapy environment.
- Sometimes they reluctantly identify it as feeling in danger and crying for help, and that opens a door for softer emotions from them and softer responses from their partners.
- Sometimes they reluctantly admit that they wanted to push their partners down, they just wanted to win. And sometimes they try to wiggle out of that by saying “I raised my voice because they just weren’t listening to me!” (Which is a sneaky way of saying the same thing… I deserved to be heard more than they deserved to be heard.)
Yeah, no one seems to really jump enthusiastically into any of those explanations. But they give clients food for thought, sometimes they come around later or bring it up in a later session. At the very least, it prompts a discussion about the process of the conflicts, and that’s usually a therapy win!
Comment below: Do you happen to know more stuff about animals (esp mammals) vocalizing loudly? I’d love to hear it! (Not including the monkeys that scream for sex – haha!) Or, how do you help couples begin to address the process rather than just the content of their conflicts?
Seyfarth, R. M., & Cheney, D. L. (2003) Meaning and emotion in animal vocalizations. Ann N Y Acad Sci., 1000, 32-55. doi: 10.1196/annals.1280.004. PMID: 14766619.
Photo credit – Joshua Cotten