We’re All Different
I know, that’s not really news to us. Though you wouldn’t know it if you just listened your couple-clients, would you? It’s wild to me how much they expect the other to have the same personality, likes/dislikes, perspective, neurobiology, history, motives…well, you get the idea. Or rather, it’s not that I think they really expect that, but they just seem not to give it much thought?
I’d like to share an exercise with you that I use with many couples, to good effect. It asks couples to identify their differences – silly ones, serious ones, big and small – and to identify how they tolerate, accept, or celebrate those differences. (And they do at least tolerate them all, or they wouldn’t be in your office!) It gives you an opportunity to talk about how all of those are ok, and how you can even move up from tolerate to accept, or from acceptance to celebration. And it sets the stage for another important part of coupes work – each choosing to accept the other person fully while making efforts to change themselves, accepting influence from the other person and accommodating when more movement doesn’t feel possible.
Note: Couples, even ones who do this very well, need to continually revisit and update this information. Just as we’re different from our partners, we’re different from ourselves from last year, or ten years ago.
Bonus: This works with families, too!
Comment below if you have other techniques you’ve used to help couples or families experience each others’ differences in a gentle way.